Dearest Rainbow Peanut,
I have been wanting to write this to you for months, and I couldn’t find the proper words. I wanted to dedicate the time to express myself properly, but the words kept getting stuck in my heart, and then in my throat as I attempted to say my thoughts aloud. I don’t think I’ll have the strength to write all of my thoughts on your actual due date, so I apologize for being early. There is simply no way to truly prepare for the day I should have been holding you in my arms, healthy and happy.
I doubt I will ever find the right words to express how I am feeling, and how much I miss you. Today, even though it’s exactly one month away from your due date, I had to talk to you and let this out, hoping you can hear me.
August feels like an entire lifetime ago, but the memories of you are fresh.
Counting down to your due date has felt like an hourglass that has been turned, but the sand falls in slow motion- one grain at a time, each grain taking hours to fall.
With the holidays coming up, I think of the pictures I should be taking. I should have a big belly that your Brothers, Dad, and family members, wrap their arms around.
I think of how the year after this, you would make such a cute addition to our family photo with Santa. (We brought your Brothers to see Santa today and I was thinking of you the whole time. You were there with us. No doubt about it).
I think of how I should have a big, stretch mark filled belly that holds you safely as you move around.
I would be recording every single kick you had and that I had the honour of feeling. I know I would be wondering if the strength in your kicks meant that you would grow up to enjoy playing hockey, soccer, football, or maybe none of the above. None of it would have mattered to me, as long as you were happy.
To me, a kick was your way of letting me know you were okay. It was your way of talking to me. I had been so relieved when I felt you kick your first “Hello”.
It meant that your heart was strong and made of gold. While I don’t have many answers to anything, I know for a fact, that it is true; your heart was and will forever be golden.
Your small heart has touched so many people in so many ways.
I am so grateful for the one kick I did feel.
It is something I will never forget.
I simply wish it truly was you saying “Hello” and not “Goodbye”.
Maybe the kick I felt was from the movement you made as you were bouncing around and the “super rare” true knot in your umbilical cord had formed… if so, I’m so sorry I hadn’t known. I am so sorry.
People keep telling me to stop apologizing. I am told to stop saying sorry for things that were not in my control, and for things I will never have an answer to. While they are right, in these circumstances, you deserve more than me just saying I’m sorry.
You deserved to have someone be with you so you knew you weren’t alone. I know I am the only one who was with you for every second until you were born. I just wish I could have known the better words to say to you as you were saying goodbye.
You deserve to be here with me but the only words I can consistently find, other than “I love you”, and “I miss you”, are “I am sorry”. It’s the best I can do right now.
One month from today, is the day I should have been holding you in my arms while crying from joy. Instead, I am left thinking of who you would have been, and how you would have made this world a better place.
I am left to dread January 17th, rather than have it be a day of celebration. However, that is going to change. I promise to make it a day full of love and laughter.
You need to know that your existence has changed my world for the better.
Before I say anything else, know that I think of you every single day. If you are somewhere that allows you to see your Mommy cry, please know that it is not your fault that these tears fall.
To say that you brought monumental joy during the time that I did carry you, would be an understatement. From the moment I saw two pink lines on a pregnancy test, you made so many people overjoyed. That feeling… those memories… they will never go away. You brought happiness into a world that needs more love.
Mommy is working on no longer crying because she knows that is what you would want- but it will take time. She is trying her best, but a few tears will fall for you- always. And that’s okay. Tears are alright.
Rainbow Peanut, I wish you were still being kept safe within me.
I wish you could hear how strongly my heart beats for you.
I wish for so many things that I know can’t be changed.
Knowing you are mine will forever be one of my greatest gifts. I can only hope that you and your sibling, “Tiny One”, are together. There is comfort found in picturing you playing, laughing, singing and dancing in the rain. I know we would be doing it all together if it were possible. Give each other a hug for me please until I can give you both one myself.
Rainbow Peanut, on the day you were meant to be born, I hope you are somewhere smiling like you were when I met you prematurely. Your slight smirk is ingrained in my mind and your smile would have made a room light up.
I hope you know how much I wish you were warm in my arms and looking up at me for the first time.
I hope you know how much I miss you.
I hope you know how much I love you.
Forever,
Your one and only,
Mommy
