Pregnancy Guilt and The First Flutters
(Note: This post deals with the topic of pregnancy loss, and pregnancy after loss. It may include sensitive subject matter for some.)
In February, at 16 weeks, we lost our ‘Tiny One’. Now, in August, at Week 16 of our current pregnancy, I felt the flutters of our Rainbow Peanut kicking for the first time.
I wrote a little bit about how this pregnancy has been progressing so far, but it honestly has not felt very real to me yet. Feeling the flutters made me cry instantly, and with those tears, came more emotions than I anticipated. Relief, sadness, happiness, guilt… wait, what? I’m feeling guilty for being pregnant? Why?
Pregnancy Guilt
When you think of the emotions that come with pregnancy, the words “nervous, thrilled, excited, overjoyed” may come to mind. As you can see, “Guilt” is not necessarily on that list.
Several Mothers feel pangs of conscience here and there, however. Perhaps they feel it when they think of how they were able to conceive, while so many other women struggle. Or, how they can have a healthy baby while others experience child loss- the list goes on.
Related: 11 Things Pregnant Women Should Stop Feeling Guilty About
My feelings of guilt had been in the background of my heart from the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test. Feeling guilty over being pregnant again may not make sense to anyone. That’s okay; I can’t fully explain it myself either.
It’s hard to put into words.
You can hear, “The miscarriage wasn’t your fault and these things just happen” a million times. While I appreciate the people who said it and their intentions, it doesn’t make the feelings you carry magically go away.
I felt like I had failed my last baby. I hadn’t known I was pregnant, so for four months, I wasn’t taking the necessary precautions women now take while pregnant. Tiny One never felt the love I had for it or felt me lightly tap my belly waiting for its response in kicks. He/she never had an older brother kiss my belly to say hello.
The baby I am currently carrying has a Mom who is aware of her body, knows he/she is present and is taking care of herself as best as she can while handling the pregnancy nausea and pains. With each pregnancy milestone, I am ecstatic that I am now experiencing them. I find small comfort and hope in the fact that I am experiencing the milestones this time. However, it also makes me feel indescribably sad. Maybe I can just blame all of the hormones…
The First Flutters
With my firstborn, I felt his kicks early on for it being my first pregnancy. I hadn’t expected to feel them when I did. This time, it was like because of our last experience, I didn’t expect to feel them at all. I haven’t had a doctor’s appointment in quite a while, and I wasn’t sure if the baby was doing okay. It is sort of like you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, no matter how hard you try to not feel that way.
I talk to my belly often, trying to make it more real for myself, almost as though the ultrasounds weren’t good enough. I have constant dreams and nightmares. Either I am having a dream about finding out it’s a girl (5 dreams in which it’s a girl, but I highly doubt it), or I have a nightmare that I have lost the baby. People ask me how I’m feeling, and it takes me a second to realize they’re asking about the pregnancy.
I don’t mean to sound so pessimistic.
It has just been quite hard for me to get out of whatever “funk” this is. Even with nausea, headaches, and growing pains, I still need to remind myself that there really IS a baby in there.
This morning, I felt flutters like I had been experiencing all week. You may, or may not know that it’s hard to tell if it’s just tummy rumblings, or actual baby movements this early on. I placed my hand on my belly, and *KICK!*. No doubt about it, I felt our baby kick for the first time.
As I said, I felt many things. I felt ecstatic. It would be hard not to since it is such a beautiful moment in the pregnancy. Feeling Liam kick and move was my favorite part of my pregnancy with him. I still remember wanting those feelings to last forever. It is beyond thrilling to experience those feelings once again.
I also thought of Tiny One right away. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It’s more like I am reassuring him/her, wherever they may be, that when I said I wasn’t leaving them behind, I meant it.
I am sure, that every kick, and every hiccup I feel in the future, it is another movement bringing me in the direction of many things. In the direction of healing, enjoyment, excitement, and of even more love.
It’s Okay
No matter how you are feeling about being pregnant after experiencing a loss, you need to remember that it is your journey. It is your experience, and no one can invalidate your feelings. It is okay to feel guilty and it is okay to feel sad.
What’s more, it is more than okay to be happy about being pregnant again. Pregnancy is a beautiful gift, and you deserve the happiness it brings. It may be hard, but try to not let the guilt or “not so great” feelings, stop you from being in the moment. It does not mean you are forgetting the baby, or babies you have lost. By thinking of them often, it does not mean that you don’t appreciate and love the baby you are carrying now.
That’s the amazing thing about being a parent. You think that it is impossible for your heart to be big enough to fit all of the love you have for your child or children. It is entirely possible. Your heart expands for every single tiny heart that needs room.
How did you feel during your pregnancy with your rainbow baby? Can you relate at all? What were your struggles, and/or happy moments? If you feel comfortable sharing, or would like to talk, please comment.
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