Life After Loss…. (We’re Pregnant!)

Life After Loss: Hello, Little Peanut! (We’re Pregnant!)

It has been awhile since I posted anything in regards to what we’ve been up to.

You may or may not have read about our miscarriage a few months ago.  That is one of the reasons I have not been too active when it comes to my writing.

To be completely honest, I did not handle losing our tiny one well.  Obviously, it is a very hard situation for anyone to go through, and we all heal in different ways, and at different rates.

Since I had not known I was pregnant, I didn’t celebrate its life while I was carrying him/her.  I never got a chance to appreciate the being that was growing.  It feels like I will always feel guilty and sad about the fact that it never felt that love from me.  I know that may sound strange, but it is something I think about often.

I am not religious in any fashion, but ever since our loss, I sometimes find myself talking as though he/she can hear me.  I had a night where I was crying, and all I said was how sorry I was, and how I wish it had known how much I cared, before it had been too late.  “I wish”…..

I wanted to be 100% normal in order to keep up with our toddler. However, after an experience like that, I think there is simply a “new” normal.   When you look at yourself, you see the you before the loss, and then there is a new you.  It’s not a bad thing.  With all life experiences, you grow and learn from them, and if it means you have to feel partially destroyed first, so be it.  You’ll get yourself back up and time will go forward.  I must say thank you to family, friends and readers, for reaching out and for being so supportive.

I was shocked by the number of women who messaged me to tell me about their own experiences.  Several ladies had even kept it all to themselves and had never told anyone else.  Of course, it is up to each individual whether or not they want to share their story, but many of them felt shamed into staying silent.  I believe that has to change.

If I had not been able to talk about what happened, I know I would not be this far into overcoming the pain it caused.  Therefore, once again, I am always here if anyone ever feels like they have no one to turn to.  Contact me via e-mail ([email protected]), or message me via Facebook and I will get back to you ASAP.

Time moves forward….

Personally, it felt like as soon as I began to heal a bit and move toward healing, something would happen that would force me to take three steps back.  I’d be having a great day, and out of nowhere, sadness would hit and I would re-live the experience all over again.

We recently received the pathology report for our tiny one, and I was, well, a mess.  We had been told we were 8-10 weeks along, but in reality, the report confirmed we were 16 weeks.  I was in shock.

The medical lingo caused me to google terms repeatedly and it was still hard to comprehend.  I must have read that report 1000 times to try and have it fully register.

It was only once I had seen my Dr, and she went over the report, that I had some idea of what it all meant.  I had read it and had assumed the worse.  I thought it was my fault, something happened to my placenta…  a countless amount of other possibilities circled in my head.

Overall, my Dr said the report showed that there were no obvious deformities or abnormalities physically, and the IUFD could be due to the fact that “these things happen”.  While it is frustrating to not know exactly why “these things happen”, I have to continue telling myself it was to prevent the tiny one from feeling any future pain.  I can’t even continue to write about it at the moment, because it’s still hard…

Why was I at the Doctor’s in the first place?

Good question!  Well,  on May 7th, I took a pregnancy test because, let’s face it, after having the MC happen, I was taking one ALL the time.  It truly does make some people paranoid; I was one of them.  To my shock, I saw a faint positive.

There was no. way. I could be pregnant again. In a state of shock, I messaged one of my dear friends and fellow Mommy blogger, to see if she saw the line too and she said she did.  I then had a few anxiety attacks.

I wasn’t ready.  I wanted more time of just having Liam be my only baby.  What if my relationship with him changes?  What if I have another miscarriage?  I can’t go through that again.

I waited a few more days and the line only got darker.  Disbelief.  Utter disbelief.

I called the hospital to make an appointment, and was told that my Dr was booked until late JUNE.  How was I going to wait that long to confirm this pregnancy?!  Luckily, when my Dr heard that it was me, she squeezed me in the following Friday.  With everything we had gone through, she wanted to get started monitoring me right away.  I have previously mentioned how much I love my Dr (she was my Doctor throughout my pregnancy with Liam), and I will continue to say it.  I appreciate how concerned she is about our well-being and how she truly cares enough to keep a close eye on us.

The First Visit

When I got into the office, a resident who works with my Doctor (it’s a teaching hospital), went over why I was there.  I explained about the miscarriage, about my current symptoms and the positive pregnancy test.  She took my blood pressure, asked about my emotions concerning the MC and new pregnancy, then went to get my Doctor- who I will call R.S. from now on.

R.S. walked into the room and said “Well, look who is back!” I apprehensively said “Yup… it’s me again… I hope…” She understood what I was feeling right away.  I showed her the pathology report and her jaw dropped when she saw that I had been 16 weeks.  “Well, of course you were in that much pain that day- most women come to the hospital for pain meds and to be treated here when going through an IUFD that late…”

She printed several forms out from her computer and had me set up blood work and ultrasounds right away.  Since it had been impossible to know when we conceived, she put the date of the day after the miscarriage instead.  Which put a rush on all of our tests.  For this, I am forever thankful.  I knew we weren’t that far along yet, but I still wanted to get the process started as quickly as possible.

R.S mentioned the option to be put on Aspirin or Progesterone to try and help the baby “stick”, but, she did a whole study on it and was not convinced by the progesterone.  Since I am still breastfeeding my Son, the information did not convince me either, so if by week 12, I feel like I should use something, it will probably be the Aspirin.  We shall see.

She made a copy of the pathology report and will be speaking to her colleagues about their suggestions on the “game plan”.  After asking me about the months before the miscarriage, and about the whole experience, she said it was truly a bizarre case, and she wanted more opinions.  I gladly accepted.

If the miscarriage, and the pathology report could be used to help our current baby, or any other Mothers, families, or babies, how could I say no?

The following week, I went in for blood work and the urine analysis, and set up our first ultrasound…. but first, we announced to our family.

Mother’s Day 2018

While I knew it was still early in the pregnancy, I wanted to share the news as soon as possible.  This isn’t a popular view on the topic, even if a miscarriage hadn’t been part of the history, but I didn’t care.  No, I don’t know what could happen in the future.  However, I want to celebrate our peanut for as long as I can, and as much as I can.

It was simply great timing that we were going to celebrate Mother’s day a week after I got my positive pregnancy test.

I wrapped it in a tiny box, and gave it to my Mom in front of our family.  We have it all on tape, and it is a moment full of shock, and laughter.  It was a wonderful moment that I will always cherish.

First Ultrasound

Today, May 30th, we had our first Ultrasound, and I was nervous the whole week following up to it.  I sincerely half expected them to start, and see emptiness on the screen.  What if it the test was wrong?  What if my symptoms were all psychological and I wasn’t actually pregnant?  I couldn’t help but believe that it was all just a mistake.  It felt like I had been holding my breath for almost a month.

When I first got there, I sat down with my SO and active toddler.  I then thought back to when I had to wait for an ultrasound after the miscarriage.  A few months prior, I had sat in the exact same chair, and I had been surrounded by happy pregnant women.  It was then that I had vowed to always be mindful of others.

I could be having a great day and be excited to see my little one, but other women could be waiting to confirm their loss.  My toddler didn’t want to sit still, so I used it as an opportunity to go into the hallway.  I stayed standing to wait for my turn for the remainder of the time.

A lovely female technician soon brought me to the room, had me lay down, and I held my breath once more.  She started the exam and right away, I saw our little peanut. I breathed a sigh of relief. She tracked the heartbeat, and by the measurements, we are 7 weeks pregnant.  Our due date is January 17th, 2019.

While booking my next appointment, the secretary looked at me and said “Wow, you look so happy!!!” and I was.  I truly was.  It was honestly then, in that exact moment, that I first allowed myself to feel excited about this pregnancy.

I do not want to look back on what will be my last pregnancy and feel regret for not being excited.  Yes, 7 weeks is still early and anything could happen, but I can’t think of it that way.  This baby deserves to have a Mommy who is ecstatic, and full of love and hope.  So, that is what I will be.

Rainbow baby, our little peanut, it was so nice seeing you today.  Let’s start this adventure….