First Trimester Bumpdate
We have made it past the first trimester with our little rainbow peanut!
If you have followed me for awhile, you probably recall that while I was pregnant with Liam, I posted weekly/bi-weekly updates throughout the pregnancy. I was excited to be pregnant, everything was a new experience and I didn’t want it to end.
This time around, I am not posting as often (however, this may be a long post). I am still excited, this pregnancy is also a new experience, and in many ways, I do not want it to end.
“So you’re posting less often because less has been happening?”
It is actually the complete opposite.
As many of you know, this pregnancy comes after we lost our tiny one in February. (I will not go into details of that experience again now, but if you want to know more, you can read about it here.)
That experience has inevitably changed how I’ve been experiencing this pregnancy. It is not a bad thing, and I am not complaining. Let’s just say, that I now understand what people mean when they say, “Every pregnancy is different”.
With Liam, I logged each new symptom I had, and all the feelings that came with them. I spoke of what I was eating, drinking, and every Doctor’s appointment. I want to make it very clear, that this current pregnancy is just as important to me as Liam’s was, even if I am not publicly divulging information as often.
Being public about our loss…
was one of the better things I have done as a Woman, and as a Mother. It made me realize how many other women felt alone in their experiences. If they felt alone in losing a child, perhaps those who went on to be pregnant again, feel alone in the new struggles they face.
This is why I write. Yes, it is therapeutic for me, but after the response I got from women in February, I actually felt the impact it has on others. So, to women who are (or have been), pregnant again after a loss, here is where I am currently during this journey:
As you read this, I am 13 weeks pregnant…
The beginning of the pregnancy was full of the usual appointments, and blood/urine tests. I was following the list of what I could/could not do and eat. Everything was pretty uneventful. I had been prescribed the baby aspirin to help prevent preeclampsia like my Dr had discussed, but that was the only thing that was new.
The amount of Dr appointments I had set up caused my head to spin and my calendar filled quickly. I had forgotten about all the tests they run, but I was glad to have them booked.
When it comes to symptoms, I was feeling tired, but that was normal with a very active almost two year old. I welcomed bed time, and was asleep about an hour after my Son went to sleep. I was also feeling EXTREMELY nauseous. It was much worse than when I was pregnant with Liam.
I honestly could not stand being in my kitchen for longer than five minutes at a time. This made cooking almost impossible, so we had a lot of takeout the first few weeks. Even now, my sense of smell is so sensitive, that I am constantly trying not to gag at the slightest whiff of something unpleasant. I have a hard time even doing the dishes. They were all minor things compared to what I could be experiencing, so I truly tried not to complain.
On June 22nd,
I was having a productive day. Liam and I did chores, he helped me wash our balcony, got ready to do some planting, and we got dinner. I put him in his high chair, and as I turned to get my own food, I felt myself starting to bleed.
I ran to the bathroom, wiped, and saw bright red blood. Memories from February flashed before my eyes. I had been in the exact same spot, at around the same time, wiping blood away for what may be the exact same reason. Immediately, I texted Jesse telling him what was happening and he came home from work to drive us to the hospital.
I understand bleeding does happen in pregnancy, and it is usually spotting/light bleed that comes with implantation. Due to already being around 10 weeks pregnant, and after going through our last experience, I needed peace of mind. My next Dr appointment is set for August 20th, so it was way too far for me to wait and not know if the baby was okay.
While in triage, the nurse told me my blood pressure was good, and gave me two pads. I was to put one on, and in an hour, if I wasn’t seen by a doctor, I would go back to see her. It was to monitor the amount of bleeding I was experiencing. It was nearing Liam’s bed time as I exited triage, so I told Jesse to go home with him. I would get a taxi home once I was done.
The hour passed,
and I showed her the amount of blood. She said it was good that the pad wasn’t soaked through, but to still prepare myself that it could be another miscarriage. I tearfully said that I was trying to do that.
I then texted my Mom to let her know what was happening. She offered to come wait with me, and after awhile, I said yes. I am so glad that I did. It was a long night of waiting, and if I had to sit there with nothing to do but think of the situation, I would have driven myself crazy.
My Mom arrived with water, and snacks (I never ate dinner, as we had left for the hospital right away so I was extremely thankful for this). We had great conversations, and time passed quite quickly.
After midnight, I was beginning to get more sore, so I got up to use the washroom for the hundredth time, and went to go ask for some pain relief, when my name was called.
The nurse came in, gave me a gown (she even helped me tie it, which was a first!), and then we waited for the doctor. I was happy to have my Mom with me, because knowing we were about to get answers was making me dizzy from the panic.
The doctor walked in, asked what the issue was, and turned the ultrasound machine toward him. He checked my internal organs; there was no bleeding. He then started to look for the little peanut. I stopped breathing the entire time. After awhile, he said “Well, that’s a good sign.”
He turned the monitor towards me and said,
“I can’t tell you boy or girl, healthy or unhealthy, but there is a heartbeat! Look at it moving!” I breathed out all the air I had been holding in and teared up as I saw my peanut. It had grown so much since week 7, and was bouncing around. I honestly did not expect this outcome, at all.
While the baby was seemingly okay, the doctor had no explanation for the bleeding. He told me to trust my instincts, and go back to the Dr if I began to hemorrhage. He said with my history, and where I was at in the pregnancy, I had a 93% chance of having a healthy outcome. The other 7%, well, there was nothing they could do if I began to lose the baby. He also instructed to continue to stay on the aspirin, since while it wouldn’t be good for MY bleeding, it would help with the baby’s blood circulation.
At the time, I was simply so relieved to see the heartbeat that it was all I cared about. The bleeding had begun to slow down, so I thought it was all going to be okay.
Two weeks later,
I was still bleeding. It had stopped after the hospital for a day or two and then it started again. Not an amount large enough to have me want to go back to the hospital, but enough to make me worried again. The advice from the Dr went through my head, I took a deep breath and relaxed. If it got worse, I would go back, but for now I had to try to stay calm.
I was bleeding on and off, but bled enough throughout the day to leave me in a constant state of worry. I called my own Dr to leave a note telling her what had happened two weeks prior, and that I was still bleeding. She was out of the office that day, but a nurse called me back to get more details.
She told me to lay down if I felt the cramps. We were experiencing a heat wave in Montreal at the time, so she explained how important it was for me to stay hydrated. If I wasn’t hydrated, the cramps which were minor contractions could return and it would not help the situation. She told me to rest as much as I can, which is definitely hard when you need to keep a tiny toddler taken care of. I tried to take it as easy as possible, but the bleeding continued and had begun to be almost black. I still don’t have an explanation for it.
Overall, it’s scary. Each day, I wake up hoping the bleeding has stopped, and that I will have an indication that the baby is okay. I tell myself that if something bad were to happen, there’s not much anyone can do about it. There’s no point in adding stress on the baby by worrying about things I can’t control.
“Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be The future’s not ours to see Que sera, sera”
If only it were that easy…
Nearing the second trimester
The dizzy spells that come from nearing the second trimester started and so did the crazy dreams/nightmares. I had a dream that I was at the hospital giving birth. I was having a C-section, and I saw them pull out a grapefruit that had a tiny baby in it. It looked just like our little one had at 16 weeks when we lost it. The doctor in my dream began to do CPR on the baby, and was saying things about how it was great that it had grown so much, but that there was nothing they could do.
I began to cry as they said they were getting another baby out. I looked down and saw a white, lace and frilly sock in a white shoe being pulled out of me. That’s when I woke up. The tears from thinking I lost another baby were streaming down my face. I realized it had been in a grapefruit because that was the size of my uterus at the time I had the dream. Maybe the sock was a way of me knowing that one of the babies was a girl. I had the exact same socks when I was younger. Dreams are crazy things. Tiny signs such as these were wrong when I was pregnant with Liam, but it is still fun to wonder. It sometimes helps to look for the possible hidden happy meanings in nightmares.
My cravings have been very similar to the ones I had with Liam. Chicken and tomatoes are basically the only things I can consistently eat that don’t make me sick. However, this time around, I am craving sweets far more often. I don’t usually have a sweet tooth, so I thought it would be easy to ignore, but I have to remind myself not to indulge in these cravings too often.
“Positive thoughts, deep breaths….”
The support I had been receiving from those around me was truly amazing. I am so thankful to know so many kind people. While it is hard to always stay optimistic, the hopeful thoughts from friends and family definitely helped. Liam has also started giving super cute kisses, and they often land on my belly, which I think is bringing us extra luck. The first trimester did have moments that were worry-free.
I went to the doctor to have my first round of Trisomy 21 blood tests done. While there, I had a few laughs with fellow patients and scheduled the second trimester scan for August 28th. It was during this hospital visit that I looked around the waiting room and stopped thinking of why I was there for a moment. Waiting rooms have become an interesting setting for me ever since the experience in February.
I have learned to be present, and notice what the other patients are going through. I mind my manners of course, and I give them their privacy. No longer do I automatically assume that they are there for a simple reason. Now, I appreciate connecting with the patients who just want to chat, rather than find it annoying to have to make small talk. If a patient is fed up of waiting and of the whole procedure, I can understand their frustration. I also empathize with the hospital workers who have to treat these patients. For the most part, they all do the best they can and they see SO many people in a day.. it truly is quite remarkable.
We shall see what happens during this trimester…
I will update you of any events worth mentioning as they come, but I am hoping that the next time I feel the need to write will be for the gender reveal in September. We will be finding out at the second trimester scan in August, but my birthday is September 15th, so Jesse might find out (he wants to know right away), and I’ll only find out a couple of weeks later as a birthday gift. Exciting!
During this pregnancy, I am trying to enjoy every second. Whether those seconds involve a cramp, another bleed, another moment of paranoia, or unpleasant pregnancy symptom. Every second I am experiencing so far, is another second that involves me still being pregnant. Remaining grateful is important, but it doesn’t mean that it is easy.
I randomly burst out crying quite often. It could be due to the hormones, or the exhaustion, and I know those play a large role in it. I also know that it is because it is simply hard to not be worried. Since our previous loss was at 16 weeks, it feels like while reaching 13 weeks is a HUGE deal, we still have a cloud of “if it happened before, it can happen again” hanging over us. I know something can happen at any point in time during pregnancy, and birth. I am completely aware of the more realistic facts, percentages and outcomes. However, you can’t change how you feel. You can’t change what makes you worry; no matter how often you tell yourself to relax.
If there are any worried parents-to-be reading this, you are not alone. It is okay that you are feeling scared, and it’s okay to not always be a ray of sunshine. If you ever need to talk to someone who feels even a little bit like you do, I am here.
